A complete unknown has landed the most sought after role in Polish law enforcement according to anonymous sources. When the part became available last month dozens of complete nobodies descended on Poland’s Anti-Corruption Bureau (CBA) hoping to play the sexy spy. “Casting the role was a difficult task,” said a CBA official “but we’re confident we’ve found the man with just the right mix of facelessness and appalling lack of taste to excite a new generation of Agent Tomasz fans.”

An artist’s impression of the new Agent Tomasz

Agent Tomasz, dubbed the Polish James Bond, has wowed generations of Poles with his sleazy slimeball charm, naff sports cars, and exceptionally gay hair. “He’s just wonderful,” said Magda Bogdanska, president of the Agent Tomasz Fan Club, “the gaudy gold jewelry, the way he flashes cash around like a Nowa Huta lottery winner, and those pixelated eyes… wow, he can entrap me any time!” she drooled. “We can’t wait to see what the new guy can do, but there will always be a place in my heart for the original and best.”

Poles were on the edge of their seats when Agent Tomasz’s last mission ended with the, now traditional, complete failure. “It had all the elements of classic Polish drama,” says sociology professor Jan Skatów; “suitcases full of filthy cash, a hilariously bungled climax and lots of people complaining that it wasn’t their fault.”

The writers of the next installment in the Agent Tomasz saga have a difficult act to follow. Production of the new adventure is underway and is set to hit our screens in time for Christmas. “All the elements of what has proved to be a winning formula will be there,” said a man in a balaclava; “ludicrously expensive vodka with bits of gold in it, glamorous Baltic coast locations, and the enchanting public humiliation of women who are old enough to know better. Plus we have a couple of new twists that we hope will reach out to an international audience,” he concluded with a stomach-churning wink.

Rumors that the latest Agent Tomasz adventure is to feature a slinky sidekick for the sexy spy remain unconfirmed

Read an illuminating account of the Agent Tomasz affair at Globalpost