Cousin Bill was disappointed not to have made the final ten on the “Nation’s Greatest Mullet” show

I’m not at all sure what the purpose of the wallet photo is. Obviously if you’re a heavy drinker it can be a useful way of identifying the woman bearing down on you with a frying pan and murderous intent in her eyes. Equally it can be a useful aide-mémoire for vodka fans when they are sent to pick the kids up from school. Other than that I just don’t get it. I assume we are supposed to believe the wallet-photo carrier spends some moments each day gazing lovingly at the image of their wife, husband, or child. People certainly do this a lot in Polish soap operas, but I’ve never seen it in real life.

Uncle Fred was beginning to wonder if his lifelong derision of cosmetic dentistry might have been a mistake

Is it a coincidence that in a country where you are required to carry around an identity card with your photo on it that people carry photos of everyone else they know too? Imagine the wife sends you out at midnight to buy food for little Magda’s puppy. If the police stop you there’s photographic evidence of the existence of all these characters right there in your wallet. You have a watertight case. I confess I’m not completely familiar with the evidential standing of the wallet photo in Polish law but I’m guessing it’s right up there with a signed letter from the Pope.

Popeye had never been the same since that terrible day when his pipe fell in the bacon slicer

I have two theories that explain the popularity of the Polish wallet photo. Theory number one is to do with the Catholic tradition of miraculous images. It’s a kind of associative magic. If I have a photo of my loved one with me, then my loved one is also with me in some kind of vague spiritual way. In the same way a painting of a saint somehow has the holiness of that saint, even if it was painted by a nun-bothering alcoholic with Protestant tendencies. This makes absolutely no sense and I am, therefore, completely in favor of it since very little else of value makes any sense either. It does make me wonder what people did before the invention of photography though.

Aunt Janice didn’t seem pleased when we asked her to smile

Theory two is slightly more cynical. Okay, it’s a lot more cynical. Photos are a great way of boasting, a failing to which the average Pole is not entirely immune. Have you seen a picture of my incredibly attractive wife / supernaturally cute child / award winning sausage dog? No? Well thank heavens I have one right here in my wallet to show you. I know Polish women are generally ridiculously attractive but I’ve seen some wallet photos that have made me wonder if the carrier hasn’t just taken a pair of scissors to the latest copy of Vogue. Are there some people out there with fake wallet photos? Is the pope a bear-eating catholic in the woods?*

Grandpa Jack was unenthusiastic about the whole bikini wax concept

Now I’m a married man I’m required under art. 12 para. 14 of the Polish constitution to carry a picture of my wife in my wallet. There are a couple of snapshots from our trip to Barcelona’s nudist beach that I though fit the bill perfectly, but apparently I was wrong.

Day four of the diet and cousin Phil is not in the best of moods

*I may have got this slightly wrong